The 5 Lamest Dog Breeds

My parents never allowed us to own dogs when we were younger. I’ve always wanted one, but evidently my brother and mom “being allergic” gets in the way of my happiness. Either way, I’ve done plenty of research in preparation for when I get my own dog love and nurture. I found through my research that there are 5 different breeds of dogs that are lamest, most pathetic excuses for canines to ever walk the earth.

5. Squirrel Terriers

God just look at it

Squirrel Terriers are those little assholes that run out in front of your car when you’re driving literally anywhere in the world. It’s almost like a sixth sense. They hear something, see something, or smell something that frightens them, and then they jump out into oncoming traffic like a Russian teenager trying to impress his friends.

Blame genetics, not cars

These little dogs are more rat than dog and litter college campuses nationwide. They can be seen with or without tails, although the ones without probably need to be put down because they survived some kind of accident that surely would have strengthened their gene pool.

The only kind of people that own squirrel terriers are rednecks and animal rights activists, one because it’s funny and the other because it’s not. If you’re ever walking by a squirrel terrier and get an urge to try and pet it, don’t. Chances are that this little bitch will stop what it is doing, which is probably digging in the dirt or climbing a tree, and run away. Avoid at all costs if you don’t want to be embarrassed by these pathetic creatures.

4. Turquoise Guppy

Worst excuse for a dog ever

These dogs may look like fish, but don’t be fooled. The “G” in “guppy” actually makes the “P” sound, so everything checks out.

Have you ever had an uncle or a cousin or maybe even a foreign exchange student that didn’t ever do anything? Like, nothing. This is exactly how a turquoise guppy acts. They just swim around all day in their stupid little bowls and pretend like they don’t recognize you when you say something to them.

I once went to a friend’s pool party. There was this one guy that was lying face down in the water and wouldn’t get up. Like it was some kind of joke. Everyone got really tired of him after a couple hours because it wasn’t funny anymore. We just left him there overnight and he never came back to school. That guy was a piece of shit and so is the turquoise guppy.

Joke’s over, man

3. Robopet

Made exclusively from k’nex pieces

I’m very similar to Rick Santorum in that we both agree that if there’s one thing that we hate in this world, it’s things that we can’t control. Robopet is the antithesis of control. What’s the point of owning a slave if it won’t do what you tell it?

Robopet’s breeding or programming or whatever must have gone haywire when it was created because every time I tell it to lick the peanut butter, it just sits there like it doesn’t know what to do. Homie, you know exactly what I want you to do. Stop playing around like your programming isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my commands.

What pisses me off is that people try to say that Robopet is state-of-the-line and “the future of household robot dogs.” This is horse hockey because it still won’t eat peanut butter no matter how much I put on there.

2. Cats (Scientifically known as Catnines)

Not to be confused with…

Remember when I asked about whether you had a really lazy uncle or cousin? Cats are like that, only 100 times worse. Dogs are supposed to be known for their bravery and their loyalty to their human masters. Cat breeds are the Danny Zuko’s of the dog breed world, because they’re only interested in themselves. What about me, cat? What about me?

“Sandy, don’t worry about it, nobody’s watching.”

To go along with this, cats are more reluctant than any other animal to have human assistance. A cat could be trapped in a burning building and I would come to rescue it and it would still scratch at me like I was some kind of monster.

People always say that cats love you but they don’t like to show affection for you. Well, I had plenty of girlfriends in Jr. High to know what that means. Best bet: scrap your cat breed and go for a nobler breed of dog, like a golden retriever or a German shepherd.

  1. Bruno Mars
“Yeah, I’m a dog.”

Don’t be fooled by this crooning Hawaiian-looking guy: this breed of dog is the sappiest, crappiest kind of canine that you can own. Sometimes dogs bark all of the time and you just want them to shut up. This breed of dog sings all of the time and he definitely won’t shut up.

If you’re looking to listen to really corny music, Bruno Mars is right up your alley. He sings about the same thing every time: love and losing love. Sure, it worked for the first album, talking about how you can never get the girl that you want. But you’re famous now, Bruno! What kinds of girls are you going after that you can’t seem to attract? This is not only a sign of a lame-duck dog, but it’s also a sign of infertility in a dog breed. Avoid at all costs!

If you don’t believe me that Bruno Mars is a canine, then shut your mouth because I have proof. One of Bruno’s biggest hits is, “Locked Out of Heaven.” I once had a religious friend tell me that dogs didn’t go to Heaven because they don’t have souls. Bruno is singing about being locked out of Heaven. Checkmate, atheists.

This is a sad, sad lie

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