As an individual who has taken four marketing classes (two of which were in high school), I feel as though I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to analyzing advertisements. I’ve always enjoyed watching commercials because they can be dissected in fun and interesting ways, and now that we don’t have DVR at my apartment, we have no choice but to watch them. After careful consideration (like 20 minutes), I’ve come up with three realistic commercials that the public deserves to see.
1. Pizza Hut
Lately Pizza Hut’s commercials have been featuring their latest abortion, the Big Dinner Box, which includes two rectangular pizzas, garlic bread, cinnamon dippers, some chicken wings or something, and sauces all for only $10. This sounds like a fantastic bargain, especially if you’re looking to have a heart attack.
The public deserves the truth. Pizza Hut’s next advertisement needs to stick with the same format that they’ve been using. Two or three young guys are sitting around on red couches, talking about how they don’t have enough money to feed themselves. One guy remembers having a nightmare about Pizza Hut and their new box of cholesterol, and they go through their apartment to find exactly the $10 that they needed – I shouldn’t have to explain why this is wrong. They call and place their order.
Pizza guy shows up, “That’ll be $13.78.” The two guys look at each other. “Oh shit, I thought it was only $10?” They forgot the delivery charge, plus taxes. Because they’re stoned out of their minds – did you see that coming? In exchange, they give the driver some weed and everybody’s cool. Finally! Time for the guys to dig in. They each grab a slice and take the biggest bite you’ve ever seen. There’s a loud crunch. They inspect the pizza. Turns out, it’s cardboard. Somebody at the Pizza Hut store put tomato sauce, processed cheese, and pepperoni flakes on a rectangular piece of cardboard. The two guys eat it anyway, because hey, they can’t let that weed go to waste.
2. Under Armour
Everyone has seen those obnoxious Under Armour commercials. They’re the ones where there’s a bunch of jacked 30-year-olds yelling at each other in some high school football locker room. They’re pumped up, man. They’re going to beat the shit out of some kids that haven’t even hit puberty yet.
In reality, maybe 5 percent of people that wear Under Armour actually look and act like that. The public deserves a commercial where you’ve got some flabby country-looking guy shivering out in the cold. He’s hunting, obviously, and didn’t wear the proper attire to keep himself warm. Instead of the typical Under Armour montage (guys wearing cleats and football pants – no shirt – and running up bleachers), you have this guy working late nights at the local gas station. He’s selling people scratcher tickets, mopping up puke, getting robbed at gunpoint, selling alcohol to minors, etc. Finally, he saves up enough money to buy a $60 long-sleeve Under Armour shirt that fits him until he washes it. He looks into the mirror with the shirt on, belly hanging out, and says, “Dammit.”
3. Kay Jewelers
By far the most annoying commercials on TV today are the Kay Jeweler ads. If you’re ever having trouble deciding whether you should get married or not, watch a Kay commercial. Chances are that you’ll want to treat your love life like it’s a VH1 reality dating show after watching one of Kay’s ads. There’s one in particular where some dude proposes on a plane, and everybody onboard loves it. A more realistic ad would have the same proposal, except half the people are groaning and rolling their eyes. But that’s not good enough.
The public deserves a real proposal. A girl walks out of the bathroom at the local high school. Her eyes are red from crying and her head is hung low. She approaches her boyfriend, who begins to console her. “Everything will be alright, we can do this.” They move in together and drop out of school. They fight and she smokes. He drinks because his older brother works at the bar just down the road. One day, he comes home from his job working as a part-time mechanic. He drops a little black box from Kay Jewelers onto the fold-up card table that she’s sitting at.
“Since I got you pregnant, we might as well get married.”
Screen cuts to black background with “Kay Jewelers” in silver writing.